“She reminds me of you
But she sells it.”
That feels like an insult.
What exactly are you trying to say?
It’s okay to be myself
If I do it for show?
Only to sell a business?
Or an idea?
Am I not able to express
Interest in my passions
Unless I’m getting paid?
Or is she faking her own interests
Just for a profit?
Is one of us right
And the other wrong?
Do you wish I was her?
Or her me?
Instead of leaving me with these never ending questions.
Or a desperate need to prove my worth
And justify my existence.
I long for serenity,
A peace that I’m not sure I could recognize
If it ever introduced itself to me.
My mind is a flurry of activity,
A swirling vortex of grocery lists.
Things to do.
Things I haven’t done.
Hopes, Dreams, and fears.
Maybe I need an outlet,
A retreat in nature.
But if I can’t conjure or recognize peace within me,
How will I ever be able to find it roaming around out there?
For the past six month, my reading list has been mostly reference and self help. Pretty interesting jump from fantasy adventures that I grew up reading.
What I have noticed is the older I get, the easier I’m irritated over a variety of things.
- Someone stops right in front of me and blocks my path when I can be seen actually trying to go somewhere. “Why yes, this is a water bottle in my hand. Clearly I’m not attempting to refill it at the water cooler that you’re standing in front of and staring at me like I’m lost.”
- People telling me to do try the things I’ve already listed off as having done to trouble shoot a problem. (“Have you turned it off and on yet?”)
- People telling me how to have fun.
- People telling me why I’m having fun. (Think I know what I enjoy a bit better than others here.)
- People telling me how to react to things.
- People telling me why I am doing or reacting a certain way, even though I’ve already expressed why I’m doing something or reacting a certain way.
- Family showing up at my work for no real reason that usually ends with them telling me how unsuccessful and awful I am.
- Family showing up at work to tell me where they peed. (Long story. Which is why it involved a place to pee apparently…)
- Same people telling me that to quit the job I like and enjoy to do find a different job that they’d like better.
- Constantly having my nose rubbed in to it that I can’t get pregnant.
- Not getting pregnant.
- Being in constant pain all the time.
- Not being able to turn my neck at all.
- Family stating my husband and I have to do certain things to be successful or worthy of their time/praise/what the hell ever, and constantly moving things higher and higher and never acknowledging we’ve met those goals.
- Finding out the last 6 months you’ve spent trying desperately to get your friends to work together and through crap that they continually told you wasn’t a problem, because it wasn’t a problem for them at the time is now finally a problem for them and they wished someone would have pointed it out or helped them with it. Basically, my last six months was a waste there or never happened.
Can you tell I’ve been a little overwhelmed, probably for the last few months?
That’s built up to where now everything pisses me off and puts me in the growly, grumpy bear mood. Even my dog doing normal doggo things like wanting to go outside is driving me up the wall.
There are things out there that you shouldn’t give a rip about and then there are bigger things that you should. My brain reacts to everything as if they’re big things, which they’re not, but it processes them and the feelings involved react like they’re big things.
And I don’t want to feel like everything worries me, makes me mad, etc. I am fully aware that getting stressed out or pissed off about half the stuff on the above list is just ridiculous and stupid. But getting my brain to believe it is another story.
It’s still irritating as hell though. Seriously.
Hence the reading of the Subtle Art of Giving a F*ck. Perhaps I might be able to learn to tone that down a bit in there and eventually stop getting to this point where everything pisses me off so much.
So to those I’ve been short with these last two weeks, I’m sorry, but could you just lay off a bit? I’m not in the mood for the jokes at my expense. The put downs. Etc. Because I’m trying really hard to keep it all together over here. I’m already trying to double check everything I say and do so I don’t stumble and undo the tiny progress I’ve made. I’ll come back around eventually.
I care way too much about. Especially about things I shouldn’t.
This week, I’m working on reading through The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson. I’m not sure I was entirely prepared for just how much the F bomb is dropped. Especially for not even being halfway through chapter one.
So far, this has been the bit I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around all day:
“The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”
Meaning “Wanting positive experience is a negative experience; accepting negative experience is a positive experience.”
Crazy right? Kind of a fancy way to say you should only concern yourself with being in the moment. Nothing more, nothing less.
I’ll keep you posted on what I think or get out of this.
Advice from a Friend
I am not a “yes” girl.
I am not a “smile and nod,”
“Hope it turns out alright,” lady.
I am not a “sit back and watch you fall” kind of person.
Whatever gave you the impression
That my job
My role as a friend,
As a compassionate human being
Is to tell you what you want to hear?
To tell you “you’re right,”
When you ask me for my opinion?
If you already have a plan in mind,
If you’re going to do it anyways
Regardless of what anyone suggests
You do not want advice, so be honest.
You want an ego boost.
My advice will not always be what you want to hear
But people who genuinely care about others,
Will be the ones that to challenge you,
To help you,
So you won’t make the same mistakes they have.
I have definitely been through a range of emotions this week. Our little family felt like we took a pretty low blow early on this week, I got kicked around while down for a few days, and now, well I’m back to that state that I usually function in. The one where I can and will do what I need and want to do, so get out of the way while I chase down whatever I’m going after.
This time, I feel a bit like it’s come complete with an “If you tell me I can’t, I will tell you to F off out the door.”
It’s a little combative, even though I’m not intentionally looking for a fight, but strangely, I feel good. At ease. Content maybe.
See, I’m one of those folks where I don’t think twice about going to bat for my friends. Hurt them, pick on them, kick them when they’re down, and I will jump to their defense without a second thought.
But if it’s me? I let it happen. I try to find all the reasons why I deserve it and justify the abuse.
And that’s pretty stupid. I should matter more than that and I do.
I do tend to remove myself from the situation when it gets to that point instead of just flat out confronting it, but even that doesn’t always solve anything.
So that’s where I am right now. Not exactly grumpy, but maybe a little fired up. I’m ready to bear tank whatever stupid crap (or people) life is going to throw at me. I’ve got my tanking claws on, let’s go.
After sharing two weeks of posts about my character tome for this year, it shouldn’t be a huge secret I’m trying to better myself.
Actually, that’s something we really should never give up. Being better. There is always room for improvement.
Although there are days where I wonder if I’ve taken two steps backwards every time I take a step forward. Most of those days are the ones where I feel like putting my foot down and saying “No” is going against being a kind and loving person.
But the truth is, you can’t be a kind of loving person if you don’t treat yourself with love and kindness. After all, if your love doesn’t include yourself, it is incomplete. It’s just really hard to be nice to yourself.
It’s okay to tell others “No, sorry,” if you feel like you’re getting taken advantage of. If you feel like it’s going to compromise you taking care of yourself as well.
And if other people get mad if you have to step back from their needs to ensure you’re going to be okay too, they’re probably not the people you need to be around anyways.
I know this. It’s just going to take time for me to believe it when I practice it, because I hate upsetting people. But it isn’t worth upsetting myself in the process to keep other people happy or comfortable. It’s not my job.
And it’s not yours either.